Tale of the Tape: Clinton vs. Berne


The Indiana Primary is 11 days away, and since no candidate has clinched the Republican or Democratic nomination for president, Indiana matters.

That means for the next week and a half, Hoosiers will be courted and wooed like a fairy tale princess (RIP, Prince). Candidates will go from town to town, shaking hands and kissing babies. Attack ads will air claiming the other candidates are kissing hands and shaking babies. We will get such a raging case of Election Fever that Jenny McCarthy will declare it was caused by vaccinations.

While you’ll get plenty of commentary from the “real” media who get “paid” to do this, Indiana Explained wants to take you beyond those predictable pieces and into the heart of the Indianan State.

Today, we tell you who is going to win the Indiana Democratic Primary in Indiana by breaking down the Tale of the Tape: Clinton vs. Berne.

 

Vitals

Berne
Berne is in Adams County on the northeast portion of the state. In the 2010 census, 3,999 people called the 2.08 square mile metropolis home in 2010. In 2011, they revised the estimate down to 3,997. Let’s just call it an even four grand, OK?

Clinton
Clinton is in Vermillion County on the western edge of the state. The population is 4,893 over 2.26 square miles. It was a coal mining town that was populated early by immigrants — mostly Italian. Coal and immigration? Now we know why Obama and Trump both hate Clinton.

Advantage: Push

Best Attraction

berne

Berne Clock Tower. It’s time for a revolution!

Berne Clock Tower
The Berne Clock Tower is truly a beautiful Hoosier landmark, surrounded through much of the year by a patchwork of flowers mimicking a quilt. Thanks to the tower, you’ll always know what time it is even when your iphone runs out of battery. And if anyone ever needs to go back to the future, there’s a ready-made conductor for 1.21 gigawatts of power.

clinton

Clinton Historical Distict, as empty and depressing as Hillary Clinton’s soul (according to talk radio).

Clinton Downtown Historic District
Added to the National Registry of Historic Places, this area is bordered by Water St. and 3rd St., and Elm St. to the CSX rail line. We’re hoping this is just a really bad picture.

Advantage: Berne. So much Berne.

Mayor

Berne – Bill McKean
Bill McKean, a Republican, owns the town barber shop. He’s been mayor since 2011 and spent 24 years on the city council. A career politician who will cut your hair and your taxes.

gilfoy

Mayor Gilfoy. THIS IS NOT ORVILLE LYNN MAJORS!!

Clinton – Jack Gilfoy, Jr.
I don’t have much info on Mayor Gilfoy, a Democrat in his second term. But his facebook page says “mowing grass is my favorite passtime (sic).” God bless you, Jack Gilfoy, Jr.

Advantage: Clinton

Most Famous Resident

Berne – Richard Schrock, Nobel Prize Winner
I don’t understand what Schrock did, so I’ll just copy and paste from Wikipedia: “His work at MIT has led to a detailed understanding of a group of molybdenum alkylidenes and alkylidynes which are active olefin and alkyne methathesis catalysts, respectively. Schrock has done much work to demonstrate that metallacyclobutanes are the key intermediate in olefin metathesis, with metallacyclobutadienes being the key intermediate in alkyne methathesis.” Got it?

Clinton – Orville Lynn Majors, Serial Killer
Another chemist! Unfortunately, Majors was only a chemist in that he was a nurse who murdered patients at the Vermillion County Hospital by injecting them with potassium chloride.

Advantage: Berne

Festival

Berne – Swiss Days
Swiss Days recliner race, grape stomping contest, baby crawling contest, rock throwing contest, and cheese carving contest. There’s also polka. Lots and lots of polka.

queenofthegrapes

The Queen of Grapes. What a great looking bunch.

Clinton – Little Italy Festival
This is possibly one of the greatest events in Indiana. It hosts up to 80,000 visitors a year and has it’s own wikipedia page. Events include a spaghetti eating contest, grape stomping, and the state Bocce Ball Tournament. A Queen of Grapes is crowned.

Advantage: Clinton

Namesake

Bern, Switzerland
Berne, Indiana, settlers were so enamored with their home country that they named the Hoosier town after the Swiss capital. I don’t know how to feel about this. I’m neutral.

DeWitt Clinton
Clinton was a Senator and Governor from New York. He was responsible for the Erie Canal. And his face was on the 1880 $1,000 bill. Eat your heart out, Harriet Tubman.

Advantage: Clinton

Town Nickname

Berne – Furniture Capital of Indiana
They have lots of places to sit down in Berne, apparently. I would’ve expected Jasper to be the Furniture Capital of Indiana, but their nickname is “The Nation’s Wood Capital”. Not just Indiana, the whole nation! We’re guessing the people who nicknamed Jasper never left the county.

Clinton – Little Italy Festival Town
Really, Clinton? We gave you credit for the festival, but do you have to name your town after it? I’m from Hazelwood, Indiana, and we love our summer fair, but we don’t call it “The Fish Fry Town”.

Advantage: Berne

 

High School Mascot

starfire

A starfire that needs a shower, apparently.

Berne – South Adams Starfires
I have no idea what a Starfire is. I’m a father of three, so Starfire to me is one of the girls in the Teen
Titang Go cartoon. But maybe it’s the Oldsmobile Starfire? I’m at a complete loss.

Clinton – South Vermillion Wildcats
Wildcats? Get original, Clinton! I may not know what a Starfire is, but at least it’s original. Wildcats is #6 on the list of ten most common high school mascots.

Advantage: Berne

 

Totals:

Berne – 4
Clinton – 3

There you have it, folks. No need to stay up until 7:30 p.m. on Election Night; Indiana is feeling the Berne.

Check back next week as we break down the Republican Primary.

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